I’m going to watch a movie tonight. I’ve been on my couch watching TV most of the day. Scrolling through Facebook on my phone, looking across the downstairs rooms at all the herds of tumblefur that need to be swept up. From my dog who didn’t get any proper walks from me today.
This flare is awful. Add to that I’m having serious complications the past couple days from my arthritis and degenerative disc disease. I injured something. The pain fluctuates from awful to unbearable. It’s hard to move, to walk.
I wrestled with watching a movie tonight. Because I want to work on my novel. Because I want to read more. Because I should do something productive.
But it’s not in me.
I got this heavy flash of guilt at being an utter slug today. It reminded me of when I was on my big road trip and felt guilty when I’d get a motel instead of a campsite and fire up the TV and order a pizza. As the weeks wore on, I got rid of that guilt. When I landed in a motel, I knew it was the best bet for me that night and if I wanted a pizza once in a while, I got one. It was so much more delicious when I stuck with my favorite toppings and left off the guilt.
I want my movie tonight to be something relaxing, not something that makes me feel bad about myself. What good will that do in a flare? What a waste of a movie it would be, too.
I knocked out the guilt with an impactful one-two punch. I just told you about the “one.” The two was reminding myself about my Impact Map. I was a little out of practice using this tool, because my time on the road was so variable and I ended up just doing what I could and pushing a little extra hard after that to get my book finished while I was out there (and I did, all 115,000 words of it). Now, I’m home, and it’s time to get back to my routine.
My categories this week include housework, dog walks, office hours, novel work, and exercise. I’d already agreed that when I’m at asteroid, as I am today, then I can do the minimal dog walks, only essential tasks in the office, and skip the housework, writing, and exercise.
This is a big reason why the Impact Map exists, to eliminate guilt. Guess what? I did what I was supposed to do today. I achieved.
So now I’ll add an uppercut after the one-two punch. It pertains to achievement. I was able to take most of today off because I’m my own boss, and I got here because I worked my butt off. My conditions actually motivated me, because I knew I needed this freedom. For the todays. I looked at all the hard work I’ve done over the years, during my recent road trip (did I mention I wrote a book??), and just this past week.
Yesterday, cooked a couple delicious meals for a friend who’s going through hard times, and I added two new pages to my website, despite teetering between tractor trailer and freight train. If you’re curious, it’s these:
So that’s something I can feel really good about!!!
And I’m writing this blog article for us!
Am I boasting? No. I’m modeling what I’m talking about what I’m about to ask you to do.
Please don’t feel guilty for what you can’t do. It’s bad enough you have what you’re dealing with, don’t add to it. Use your Impact Map. Follow it. Give yourself a break when you can, and hopefully you can. Even try listing on a piece of paper all of the ways you’ve kicked ass at life this week, or whatever time frame you want to look at. Write at the top the fact that you live and thrive with your disability.
You rock. So enjoy that movie, or pizza, or ice cream, , or nap, or new Lego set. You deserve it!