The 13 Things I Feel When I Cancel Our Plans Due to My Chronic Illness

5 Jun

Oh, the things we do with the English language, and being a creative with a degree in English, it often downright delights me. Some of our current linguistic trends, carried by the cool kids, include saying “feels” rather than “feelings” and furthermore calling it a place. That hit me in the feels. Us cool kids (yeah, I’ll go ahead and claim it) also like to tack “all the” in front of things in lieu of “many,” “much,” “a lot of,” etc. I shall eat all the puddings.

Combine these, and you replace “a lot of emotions” with “all the feels.”

I set this up to say that when I have to cancel plans because of my chronic illness, it gives me all the feels.

Specifically, though, I can list 13 different emotions I experience when I have to cancel:

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  1. Scared. About my future quality of life.
  2. Guilty. Like I’m making an excuse or lying, even though I’m not.
  3. Remorseful. Like I’m letting you down.
  4. Frustrated. That I don’t have control.
  5. Angry. That I’m sick.
  6. Sad. That I’m missing out.
  7. Anxious. About rescheduling and not overpacking my calendar.
  8. Worried. That you’ll think I’m flaky, lazy, selfish, or passing you up for something “better.”
  9. Nervous. That you won’t invite me anymore.
  10. Self-conscious. About what you might think of me when I do feel better, which could be as soon as the same day, and end up doing some activity and you find out about it.
  11. Ashamed. About not “contributing,” that I have no value.
  12. Jealous. That you still can.
  13. Embarrassed. That this is a thing I do.

I understand with my brain that it’s not my fault, and I truly am doing my best, but it’s still a battle to fend off all these negative emotions, every time. I just wanted you to know.

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4 thoughts on “The 13 Things I Feel When I Cancel Our Plans Due to My Chronic Illness

  1. Oh boy- all the feels…. this just this…. I want to print this and give it to all my friends- instead I shall share it on my Facebook page. As always- spot on!

    Gentle hugs-

  2. Finally had the time to read this. I feel these on a weekly basis sometimes several times a day depending on what I have to say NO to. As someone who has struggled with a chronic illness for over 50 years I’m sorry to say it doesn’t get better. My faith gets me through and being honest with my family and friends about my limitations does help. But I’ve noticed that I say yes to fewer and fewer things because I don’t wish to disappoint or be disappointed because I just can’t that day. I’m trying to find that balance.

    • I know the balance is tough! I catch myself avoiding commitments all the time.

      Faith is so helpful. I try to keep my work secular so it’s accessible to a wider audience, and that’s hard! At some point, I’d love to write about *Splat with Jesus* or *Splat with Faith.*

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