I’m 40 years old, and I look like I’m in my mid-20s. I’m not trying to brag, because I don’t believe this is anything to brag about. It’s more frustrating than anything.
It’s been a thing probably my whole life. Certainly my entire adult life. I’m 5’2,” a stature indicative of someone not fully grown. I have a youthful face. Even my voice, on the phone, sounds like I could be a teenager.
For as long as I’ve been correcting people who inaccurately assumed my age, I’ve had to hear them all say, “Oh, it’s a good thing.” Or, “You’ll be glad when you’re older.”
I guess I’m “older” now, being officially middle-aged, and I’m far from glad.
When you think about it, what good is there, really, to looking younger than we really are? All I see is vanity. Vanity is not something I consider a value nor a virtue.
Here’s why my youthful appearance has been problematic.
- It makes dating difficult. It’s hard to, “out in the wild” (i.e. not on the internet) meet an age-appropriate person to date when I don’t look my own age. I would like to date someone my age. Instead, I draw the eye of men much younger, or even worse, I draw the eye of men my age who would like to date much younger women. Not that there’s anything wrong with age differences. I’ve had as much as a 22-year age difference in my own relationships, but I’m not interested in dating a man who’s interested in dating a 24-year-old. Just sayin’.
- I get terrible customer service. There is an intersectional detriment to being a 20-something female consumer, which is my appearance. When I last bought a sofa, I went to five different furniture stores before a sales person even approached me. One time when I purchased a car, I brought along a male acquaintance, and the salesman talked more to him than to me. When I walk into a restaurant alone, hostesses are often dismissive. Hotel desk staff have outright ignored me on multiple occasions, and one even admitted they thought I was waiting for someone else to meet me.
- I lack the credibility that I’m due. In professional as well as personal situations, I am often granted only the credibility of one just out of school, not someone with decades of adult life experience. It was an additional challenge commanding respect in a classroom when I was a teacher, on stage when I was a comedian. Audiences didn’t want to go along with my material about divorce because they couldn’t believe I’d authentically experienced it. High school students tried to treat me as a peer, not an authority.
There is an even bigger picture.
When you tell me it’s a “good thing” that I look so young, not only is it dismissive of the difficulties and discrimination I have experienced and will continue to experience, but also it is affirming a toxic ageist and sexist culture.
I’ll point out here that this is largely an imposition on women. Look at how Hollywood downgrades female actors (ooooh I didn’t use “actress”….) over the age of 35 to supporting roles while male actors continue in leading roles, their names over the title on the poster, drawing in big crowds at the box office — and hooking up with those 20-something-year-old hot new starlets — well into their 70s.
This culture that youth is the ideal of appearance for women emphasizes a mindset that young women are worth more than older women. That women lose value as we age. This even feeds the ageism and sexism in medicine and mental health treatment.
It’s more than just losing representation in hit television shows that cast only (size 2) 25-year-olds as elite doctors and criminal profilers (I’ll take the 50-year-old when my life depends upon it, pretty please). It’s losing access to essential services, and it’s losing access to self-esteem and self-love.
I won’t even get started on the sexualization of children, but that’s on this roadmap, too.
And it’s telling all women — all humans — that we need to be that Hollywood ideal. I don’t feel like I can thrive taking my pop-cultural compliance à la carte. When you tell me how young I look, and I say “thanks,” I’ll look below that “youthful” box I just checked off, down the list of all the boxes I miss, being too short, too heavy, too disabled, and I’ll feel all the ways I fail to fit the standard.
I think we’re all much better off saying “no thanks” instead.
People who have never looked younger than there ages are the worst people to speak to about your problem. You are going to have to reach out to people who are in the same boat as you.
I’m 52 and look around 34. It sucks. I work in a grocery store. People have asked me really dumb questions…like can I cook? Or..say..you may not remember this…and yes I do remember, I was there. My job is very physical and people assume I’m younger so I get asked to do more. Today, my arms hurt from cutting meat. I am so tired.
You know, that’s one I didn’t think of — that more is expected of you because you “look” younger, but yes, that’s true! I’m sorry to hear people are treating you like that. Not cool at all.
Crap, lol you Do look younget than 40 lol. Im inthe same boat as you, im an inch shorter tho 5’1 , and ive sort of had it all my life, been mistaken as being younger, ussually mid 20s, one guy said 30 tho, but i get all sorts of ages. Im contantly getting told to prove im the age i am especially with online dating ( which ive given up , cuz ive gotten sick of it anyways. I act younger ( i have adhd ) and studies show we may act a but younger than our normal peers), and im pretty emotional and i dont remember i used to be this emotona before 🤔,and i sound young just like you!, i realize this is becuase i still have a lisp. Anyways the thoary i have tho is its because i was born a micro premmie, ( i was born 5 month premature) i do notice other preemies have babyfaces just like me. Anyways yeah, the one downside is always having to prove your age, especially when dating online , and then some people still not believing you. Ive alao been ghosted by wlw online, but really i dont know what was up with this, i think they were some kind of spammer or something maybe..
Oh my gosh, I can feel your frustration. It really is such a struggle. I didn’t know that about ADHD, by the way, or preemies. I do hope things get better and you find a wonderful partner! I finally did.
I work as a server & I’m 37. I look like I’m 21. I went out with my coworkers around that age group to get to know them I was the only one carded and I happened to not bring my ID. I was the only one who couldn’t have a drink. The worst part is that my short stature ensures to all my managers that I’ll be the one that can clean the small nooks and nearer the floor (not fun when your knees lock and pop every time I stand again) my arms hurt from years of the industry too. I might be the only one of my coworkers that has a daily regimen of ibuprofen, icyhot, and biofreeze. I wonder if I’ll always be single at this point in my life and wonder every time I’m told ‘it’s good that I look so young’ WHY?!
I was a server and/or bartender on and off for years. It takes a serious toll on your body! I don’t think it’s right for you to be given certain work tasks based on your body type, but I understand that world (especially the service industry) doesn’t always work “right.” Hang in there on the dating, though. Meeting someone at a glance is kinda out for us, because we don’t look like who we are, but there are so many other ways to form a meaningful connection with someone who can know who you actually are. I finally ended up with the boy I met in 3rd grade!!
I’m 62 and look about 40 to others I have COPD and mental issues I’m 5ft 2 and weight 125 it’s very hard for me because doctors don’t take me seriously or even the SSA because I can’t walk upstairs or lift and heavy objects and it sucks because I can’t work all my prior work has been warehouse and unload trks running heavy machine operator I’m so lost and as far as being in a relationship that has been very hard men my age look like my dad so jealousie has caused domestic violence to me I have been single for about 8 plus years I don’t have any friends because woman my age end up being jealous of me and I m a very good loyal friend IDK what to do
Aw, Leslie, that sounds so rough! I can’t give medical or SSA advice, but I have heard stories of folks who haven’t found the right fit for a physician and have better luck when they switch it up. And believe me, relationships are hard no matter what. Yeah, the age difference look is really tough. That’s why I wrote this article. But I guess it’s getting more and more accepted in reality and in appearances. As for friends … well, I am fortunate now to have friends of all different ages, from 20s to 70s, men, women, non-binary folk. I wish for you the same! One of the fastest ways I got a whole crew of close friends was when I got involved in community government and boards. They’re always looking for folks. Maybe that’s an option where you are ….
Anyway, I wish you the very best! Stay beautiful, stay awesome!
I’m 26 years old and told I look 16 or 18. Unfortunately I deal with this problem every single day. It’s mentally draining and I’m sick and tired of people saying, “You look very young”. They make it seem like it’s a complement when it feels like an insult. I’m not respected for looking very young. I’m never greeted when entering stores. Never told hello at the register and yet people before me and after me are greeted. I’m so fed up at this point because since when is respect only given to people that look like actual adults. Everyone of all ages deserve respect. It’s taking a lot in me to not become a mean and bitter person because of it. How could I even consider getting into the healthcare profession looking young. I’m already judged before I’m given a chance at anything.
I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. It’s rough. It’s so rough. People just don’t get it. And if you try to explain, they don’t *believe* it. Hang in there. What I have found reassuring over the years is just the generous folks who give me all the credibility in the world once they get to know me and work alongside me. And they’re the ones who actually matter.
“You’ll love it when you get older,” remains absolutely untrue, however it is *easier* now that I’m older. Maybe because I finally look 30?? (at 44! ha!)
Thanks for commenting. It’s important to talk about this so it gets to be more believable. I wish you all the best!!!
Same problems as 68 yr old man that looks 45. Heath good too. No wrinkles that I can see. To make thins worse, I let my thick bodied pepper hair grow close to shoulders during pandemic. People always asking for id when buying beer then freaking out. Single and women my age look like my deceased mother at 93. Whenever I run into highschool women peers, they look very old and my gut tells me they get self conscious and hate running into me because how bad they’ve aged compared to me. I don’t want a 20 yr younger companion. Feel alone like I’m left me behind while everyone aging out.
Damn. I so identify with this. I’m 47 and am routinely mistaken for early 30s. I’m also an athlete and very fit, so not only do I not look 47, I don’t feel 47. I’ve had similar problems as you with job interviews and being underestimated in the workplace because people thought I was straight out of high school when I was in my 30s. Also, dating now really sucks. It’s hard to find 47 year old women who I feel match with me–look and feel the same age as I look and feel. Like you, I’ve attracted much younger people and was in a relationship with someone 23 years younger for 6 months…which was super frustrating, cuz–damn, they aren’t in the same place at all in terms of emotional maturity. It’s also annoying to routinely be excluded from groups because people assume. I don’t know how many times people have said things like “You younger generations, blah blah blah” to me, to which I’ve pointed out: “Hey dude. We’re basically the same age.” That said, I also don’t want to look or feel old, so it’s a conundrum of gratefulness and regret.
Same…. I’m 47 and look late 20’s maybe early 30’s. Recently divorced and hate the fact that I know I will never be able to date or marry again. I’m not interested in dating anyone who finds me attractive. They are children to me. If you’re idea of a good time is wasting it in front of a video game…. Keep moving. I’m an author and have a great job but I’m also very lonely. My ex husband was 10 years older than I and the age gap and my appearance made him never want to touch me in public and eventually his insecurity led to our marriage falling apart. I can’t help the way I look. It’s more of a curse in my opinion. Lots of empathy for those facing this issue.
Oh my gosh, so sorry to hear about the divorce and that insecurity of his. I’ve dated older men, and trust me, I know all about the “looks,” but none of them cared, and neither did I (for the most part). But don’t give up hope in finding a partner someday (if you even want to). I finally found my forever guy … and he turned out to be someone I’d known for 34 years!
Hi, I came across your blog on the issue of “looking too young”. I find this issue relatable. I am 31 years of age, male, and I am only 5ft3 but with a moderately muscular build. This is considered very short for a male height. But I am in an Asian country so that makes my short height less problematic than it would in a western country. The problem here is this: I get often mistaken for being a 17 or 18 year old despite my white hair growing out rapidly. Like you, I experience people ignoring me. There was once, when I applied for a gym membership, they told me to have my parents sign the form and bring it back. This is frustrating for me as I don’t get treated like people of the same age. What troubles me most is that I am going to embark on an academic career soon as an assistant professor in a university. And now , those students that I have taught tend to treat me as their peer instead of a teacher. I am worried. Thus, my question here is what are the strategies you have employed so far to cope with this particular problem ? Thanks
Hi! I totally feel your frustration! Which of course, you know, because I wrote this whole article. As far as navigating working in academia, I think my best advice is to just be yourself. First meetings are one thing, but once you’re around people on a consistent basis, what you look like becomes way less important. And actually, “consistent” is an important word. When I was a teacher, I was just consistent–with my expectations, standards, boundaries, even my mood and personality–and that consistency draws a lot of gratitude and respect. I’ve held elected office. I’ve run boards. My appearance has never been an issue once folks get a chance to know me and see me in action on a regular basis. Good luck!
I am 56 but unfortunately look 25 maybe 30 on a bad day. I work in women’s healthcare. Every day I get the same question. Do you have children yet? Yes, they are often older than the person asking the question. My husband of 30 years looks like my father. And I definitely feel like I have missed opportunities because people felt I was too young. Worse when I meet people from a long time ago, I creep them out. They will stop me and say I believe I knew your mother. No, its me. I remember you well from high-school or college. I do nothing to maintain it. I am not even petite, I am 5’6. It’s like a curse.
Oh wow, that sounds really rough. It would be nice to think people’s opinions don’t matter, that it doesn’t affect us, but first impressions absolutely matter, and credibility is super important, especially in the healthcare field! I feel for you…