I’ve had quite a rough run with my chronic illnesses these past several months. Really, it’s been building up over two-and-a-half years, since I got COVID. Now, I’m finally making some headway. With help from medical professionals, I’m finally starting to feel better. I went from zero “good days” to having more good days than bad.
I’ve got choices — choices I haven’t had in months.
During my “super flare,” any day I felt even a bit like an actual human being, I would tackle as many tasks as I could, not wanting to miss the rare opportunity to get stuff done. It’s a hard thing to turn off now. Rest is now a choice, not something I am forced to do because I can do nothing else.
But will I actually choose rest? Yes. Here’s why.
With chronic illnesses like my fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, and post-COVID syndrome, I come to think of rest as this binary thing that’s either forced upon me or is a luxury I can’t access. I shift into accepting this idea much like I have, in the past, coped with a miserable job or even a toxic relationship. When the weight and restrictions of my our conditions are lifted, when the flare subsides, even just for a little bit, I have to drop those coping mechanisms and remember that I deserve to choose rest as much as a non-disabled person, even when I don’t have the choice, and especially when I do.
I will…
- Continue to rest when I don’t feel well.
- Enjoy rest on some days I *do* feel well; it’s marvelous!
- Not try to “catch up” on goals I didn’t hit during the flare.
- Not overdo it “making up for lost time.”
- Be in the moment and just do what I would do, without looking back on how things were.
- Remember I deserve this as much as anyone else.
What about my friends and family?
This is something I experience not just coming out of a flare, but coming out of an intensely busy time with my work. I pushed off making plans with folks because I was too busy or feeling monumentally awful, and now that I’m able to, there is the temptation on my part and the expectation on their part that I’m going to eclose as a social butterfly.
Please give me a little time, though!
Before booking up my social calendar, I want (need!) to…
- Decompress.
- Tidy up the piles and messes I left while I could only do what was absolutely necessary.
- Clean my house.
- Have some “me time.”
- Enjoy my hobbies.
- Rest … because I choose to.
I’m not selfish when I say the first person I need to spend time with is *me*. I’m more responsible for myself than anyone else is responsible for me, and I need to take care. Then we’ll hang out, and you’ll get a much better version of me when that little six-item list above is taking care of.
